Talk About An Entitled Teen!
- 12.04.09
- Parenting, Teenagers
- 16 Comments
As a father of four teenagers, this made my blood boil. The following is a list of the top 10 things parents of teens need to know according to Madisyn Grills-Fisher, a teenager who lives in a small town in Ontario, Canada. Evidently, she works as an intern at her local newspaper, and they recently printed her rant. As I read it, I was taken back by the chip on this girl’s shoulder. More than that, however, I was shocked that the newspaper would actually print this. Anyway, this is what she wrote…
I am sick and tired of adults thinking they know teenagers when really they don’t. You would think that maybe they would because they were teenagers once, but that is never the case.
So for every parent out there, here is some free advice from a disgruntled teen.
1. You think you know, but you don’t. Seriously, we don’t tell you half the stuff we do, say or think. Then the stuff we do tell you, we only tell you half the truth, and even that is watered down to the bare minimum.
2. Do not use “discipline” on us in public. I use the word discipline very loosely. I seriously don’t believe you can discipline teenagers, it has never worked for me. However we will never want to be out in public with you if you feel the need to correct everything we do and say. Worry about the more important things.
3. When we say we are going, we’re going. Don’t tell us we can’t go. Whether it be to a party, the mall, a friend’s house, unless you have a legitimate reason, like a family member died, we are going to find a way to go. Sneaking out would be one way. So if you say no, and we sneak out and for some reason we get in trouble… we aren’t going to call you.
4. Grounding … really. Grounding is the stupidest thing you could ever do to a teenager. I used to get grounded every day, and guess what: we don’t care. We aren’t going to act any different because you take away our phone privileges for a week. It doesn’t work.
5. Listen. Every parent I know has the tendency when we are talking to tell us what we are doing wrong. We don’t care what you think we are doing wrong. We are just telling you what’s happening.
When you interrupt us to tell us to tell us how to handle the situation, you are losing the small amount of communication we are giving you. We aren’t going to take your advice, we are going to do it our own way anyway.
6. Don’t tell us we need to eat better. Do you seriously think we care? We obviously know when we can’t walk up the stairs without getting out of breath, we don’t need you to tell us. We are going to eat what we want. We aren’t going to throw a salad into our diet just because you tell us to. If anything you’re making it worse.
7. Reverse psychology, big no no. You think we aren’t smart enough to see when you are trying to trick us into doing something, but we are. Your reverse psychology doesn’t work. It makes you look stupid because we know that your using it as a last resort. Say what you mean, most of the time it doesn’t work, but we don’t lose a bucket load of respect for you.
8. Don’t ask us who our friends are. If we are in high school most likely you don’t know more than half our friends. However, if we go to hang out with those friends, do not interrogate us because here is what you will hear: Who are they? A friend. How do you know them? School. Are they nice? Sure. Who are their parents? How am I supposed to know. Do you know any of their friends? I don’t know. How is that for a conversation? Basically, don’t do it.
Don’t nag us. Sure you think nagging us makes us do stuff. But seriously it doesn’t. You know why we don’t do it? We like to make you mad. It’s fun to us. We act like you’re annoying us, but in our heads we are laughing at you, and when you walk away, we are smirking and holding in an even bigger laugh.
10. Do not ask us to have “quality time”. You think family time is a good thing, and it is. Only when we want it. If you want it, we don’t. I know it’s a hard concept to grasp, but work with me here okay.
So, how would you respond to this girl? In my next post, I’ll show you what one mom wrote in response. It’s good stuff!
Okay, fast forward a few years when this child has moved out of her parents’ house because they’re so “stupid” and finds she can’t pay her rent because she spends all her money on clothes and shoes and has nothing in her fridge but beer, ketchup and moldy bread, and her friends have all “moved on”…who’s she going to turn to? Who’s going to rescue her from her life that’s gone to pot? That’s right! Her parents! You know, hon, the ones that put a roof over your head and food in your tummy and clothes on your back when you were young, without so much as a thank you. They did it because they love you, certainly not because you deserved it.
Wow!! As the mother of a 4-year old little girl, this scares the heck outta me. Then it makes me mad. Then I realize how important it is for me to keep a good, open relationship established with her now and keep the lines of communication OPEN!
Hmmm….what would I do to this little jewel?! Well, I would probably (in response to her list):
1. Tell her I know how she’s feeling.
2. Discipline her in public
3. Tell her “you can’t go”
4. Ground her
5. Tell her how I think she should handle the situation
6. Tell her she needs to eat better
7. Use some reverse psychology
8. Ask her all about her friends – who they are, if they are nice and who their parents are.
9. Nag her a little
10. Ask for some quality time.
OK, just kidding about the above (mostly) but I can’t wait to see the mom’s response to her! Sounds like she got out of control early on and never got reigned in.
The only good piece of advice she gave in all that garbage was listen. Parents do need to do that more often. All people do.
The rest of that garbage is laughable. Being a youth minister, I honestly believe she’s using that stuff to cover something up or just be cool with friends or whatever. She probably has lost her true self along the way, even.
But, of course, some of that is just being a teenager. Of course it goes from parents don’t know anything to, wow, teens don’t know anything in just under a decade. She’ll be mortified of this when she’s 30.
Jay: good response, and I agree. However, as a father of teens (3 of whom are girls!), I’ve discovered that when they say “You don’t listen to me!” What they’re really saying most of the time is “You’re not going along with what I’m saying.” I let my kids know that I DO listen to them, but I also am clear that just because I listen doesn’t mean I will agree with them or will let them do what they’re asking. And this is where the “rub” about listening often is in my home. We listen…but they equate listening with allowing!
Yeah – she needs an attitude adjustment! However – there is no telling how she was raised. Not that it’s an excuse – but I am sure it’s a contributing factor!
I feel badly for this girl. Her parents obviously suck and she’s angry, bitter and cynical about it. Actually I agree with a few of her points. Parents have some pretty lame philosophies on raising children. Unfortunately, her writing style will only encourage ridicule.
I think that if parents don’t want to see stuff like this they need to stop promoting the whole idea that “teenagers are a drag…teenagaers are selfish…teenagers will be disrespectful…” The whole attitude that most adults have toward teenagers is one of expectation that they will be rude, selfish, cause trouble, and not listen. This girl has probably heard and been shown from society, her parents, other adults, and peers that being a teenager means being difficult. If adults (parents of teens especially) would change their expectations from “teenage years are the worst” to “teenage years are years to grow up and mature” we’d probably see a lot less of this.
Mike I hate to say this but in this and some of your other posts you’ve promoted the idea that teenagers are inevitably self-centered, rude, uncaring, unkind, disrespectful, and irresponsible.
I’m not a teenager anymore. I realize I made plenty of dumb decisions during those years…But it was also a really productive time for me. I served my church in new ways. I learned how to really get along with my siblings and to respect my parents as people and authority. I put my time to good use because I was expected to do so. No one expected me to be a “bad” teenager…so I wasn’t. My parents handled situations by treating me like an adult…not a teenager…because in their wisdom, they did not want to raise a perpetual teenager, but a responsible adult.
Teens will make good choices and bad choices. Some teens will find themselves in some heavy situations (I know I did…several times). However, it is their parent’s expectations that make the most difference.
Wow JK! To be accused that in other posts I have “promoted the idea that teenagers are inevitably self-centered, rude, uncaring, unkind, disrespectful, and irresponsible” is pretty harsh. I looked at all the posts I’ve written under the “parenting” and “teenagers” categories, and I would say that this is not a true accusation.
I equated the four teens in my home to a “storm” in one of my posts, and that’s true. Never is there a quiet or dull moment when they’re all there. But at the same time, I’ve written a post about how much joy the humor of one of my teen daughters brings to my home, and I’ve encouraged parents to eat with their kids and pray constantly for them. I’ve encouraged men to step up and be good fathers; I’ve written about the great times I’ve had with my teens around our pool, at the lake, and when I fire up the popcorn popper. Is raising teens hard? Yes. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. Have my kids decided to do unwise things even when Michelle and I have treated them like adults and expected adult behavior out of them? Yes. But do I have and promote the idea that “teenagers are inevitably self-centered, rude, uncaring, unkind, disrespectful, and irresponsible?” No way. I worked as a youth and family pastor for 12 years, and I could tell story after story of the AWESOME things I’ve seen teens do. I may have to blog about it in the near future.
Do I agree with you that parents expectations make the most difference in a kid’s life? No. Expectations play a major role, but ultimately what a child decides to do about the Lord makes the most difference. An older child (teen, young adult) ultimately has to make a choice whether he or she is going to follow the Lord or not – regardless of whether parents expect it of them or not. That choice is the most defining choice in a person’s life…and it is the one that will impact most their behavior, their decisions, and the way they interact with their parents.
Somebody needs a few retroactive spankings.
The time to start correcting this kind of attitude and behavior? We were successful by starting at age 6 months. If you start much later than that I’m convinced you’ll be required to spend extra time in prayer to correct your delay.
My response? O Lord God, my Heavenly Father, first of all forgive me for I have sinned. And as You have given me my beloved children, may I teach them by example and word to pray this prayer to you also. Sincerely (and please help me regarding the lack in my sincerity) Yours
Sounds to me like a recipe for a child winding up in jail… How old is this girl? Hope she grows out of this ‘tude. Frankly, I think some kids need to spend a bit more time looking at what their parents do right.
Interestingly enough, I somehow grew up being taught to respect authority to some degree and even though I wasn’t exactly perfect I can’t imagine giving my parents, teachers, etc. the kind of attitude this girl is expressing. Of course, I had a lot of freedom as a teen and could count on one hand the number of times my parents grounded me in that time with fingers left over- not because they didn’t believe in discipline, but because somehow in the earlier years, the message of what’s appropriate and what’s not got through my head clearly enough that I could be responsible and the older and more responsible I got, the more my parents trusted me and the more freedom I got.
When I was in elementary school, some people thought my parents were quite strict. However, when I got older, I was seen as having a lot of freedom. The only reason they gave me a curfew in the middle of gr. 9 was that they didn’t want to have to get out of bed to pick me up at some crazy hour and they thought midnight was sufficiently late for a 14yr. old to stay out. If I’d been one to get myself into trouble, they prob’ly would have tightened up (and I would have deserved it), but responsibility led to freedom. I realize SOME parents need to lighten up, but those who have a clue tend to have responsibility levels and freedom as a hand in hand commodity. They look at the level of responsibility their child can handle and decide on the freedom level from there. I think that’s quite reasonable. Teens need enough freedom to show themselves responsible and enough limits or guidance not to completely destroy their lives. It’s good to give teens reasons for the rules. If “because I said so” is the only reason, I’d agree that the rule should maybe be tossed, but I grew up in a home where there usually was a reason that was quite clear. (no parents are perfect, but then again I’ve yet to meet a perfect kid either) Perhaps this girl’s home was lacking an appropriate balance and/or she was watching way too many modern sit-coms. What ever happened to the good old 80s (and early 90s) sit-coms like “Facts of Life” and “The Cosby Show” when there were consequences for people’s actions and the kids were actually disciplined?
Perhaps this girl needs to learn that respect is a 2-way street and freedom and responsibility go together… I realize not all parents are reasonable and my parents prob’ly had the parenting of teens thing a lot easier than some parents with no police visits or anything like that (when we were talking about that on skype the other day, the younger of my 2 bro.s- age 22- jokingly offered to moon a police officer if they really felt the need to have such things happening).
As for the public discipline thing, I think both sides need to consider certain things… Usually, I’d agree that discipline is better handled at home than in public, but if the teen is being a brat just to show off or pull a power trip, then it can be appropriate to put that teen in his/her place in front of those s/he was trying to show off for.
I do agree that most teens don’t tell their parents everything and it would be naiive to assume that they do. However, how much is told or necessary to tell would vary from teen to teen. That’s just how it is and I think most parents realize not everything is being told. However, that happens whether you have a mostly open or mostly closed relationship between parents and teens. The extremely harsh parent and the extremely soft parent are the most likely to be deceived on this one.
Sneaking out somewhere when parents say not to go proves foolishness- not independence- and if the teens then get hurt, it’s their own fault for not obeying instructions.
Have to admit, I’m not a fan of the reverse psychology bit. If you are capable of reasoning with a child, that reasoning should be enough and then it’s the child’s responsibility to use some common sense re: directions given.
I realize some parents are a bit moronic when it comes to parenting, but I find the more moronic parents are often the ones who give in to the kid’s ev’ry whim out of fear that the kid might try to rebel if they don’t. Children of those parents would do well to rebel against their upbringing and become outstanding members of society… who actually discipline their children because they know what happens when you don’t.
Unless there was a particular activity that cut into dinner, we usually had dinner together, so there was some family time. Then there were special events… Not all parents force unpleasant family activities on their kids. Some parents actually pay enough attention to the kids to plan things kids want to do… Consideration in both directions is necessary on this level- not just one way or the other.
Have to admit nagging’s not a recommended way to go.
My parents knew who some of my friends were, but not everyone… Having a fairly welcoming home to bring people over to made it easy to get to know some of them and our parents trusted our judgement to make good decisions on the rest… and figured some of the troublesome kids may need a good influence, so as long as we seemed strong and not likely to follow others’ stupid behaviour, my parents prayed and trusted us to make good decisions. That trust is earned though and things may have been different if we hadn’t earned that trust instead of just expecting to be entitled to it. When my 1st little bro. was in gr. 2, his teacher expressed some concern about the fact that Peter was hanging out w/ a boy that often got himself into trouble. Dad wasn’t too worried though ’cause he knew Peter was usually a good kid. He just told the teacher to watch and see where Peter was when the other boy was getting into trouble. She discovered when the other boy was causing trouble, Peter wasn’t hanging around. I realize that was only gr. 2, but patterns start and can be taught early to prepare kids for the more serious stuff that will come later.
Perhaps the key is pro-active parenting from the beginning rather than re-active parenting as stuff comes up later on. Kids WILL make mistakes… and so will parents. The gal who wrote her list does need a ‘tude adjustment. So do some parents I’ve met. However, ultimately, by the time they’re teens, they should be considered responsible for their own behaviour and not just sit and whine when there are consequences. Contrary to this girl’s opinion, not all kids sneak out when told not to go somewhere… and not all kids frequently decide to go places their parents would tell them not to go. She needs to learn it’s not unreasonable to expect at least a bit of respect and responsibility from teens who want their freedom. For those parents who still need to hear it, it’s not unreasonable to give a bit more freedom to kids who show respect and responsibility… preferably based on their own needs and character rather than on those of their siblings… That would be a whole different topic though.
oh… and re: eating better… Eating dinner as a family at least gave us decent food for dinner instead of garbage… Plus, the sweets in the house weren’t abundant and Mum bought real cereal- not junk. We had our allowances to spend on extras, but we took our own lunches from home most days at school rather than expecting money from parents (which they didn’t have anyway) to go out for lunch. Makes for much less need for parents to TELL kids to eat better. If real food’s what’s available, then that’s what they’re stuck eating. (my parents weren’t excessive enablers when it came to overloaded junk food habits) We had a modest allowance and I babysat sometimes and had a paper route for a bit.
I’d say my parents did some stuff right.
… and most importantly, they loved and prayed for us and gave us space to have our own relationships w/ God rather than just riding on their faith.
Wow! Hard to find that many stupid comments in one place all at one time. Who made decision to print comments? Now we know why newspapers struggle. Feel sorry for her, probably no friends to tell parents about anyway. Negative attitude will rule out any kind of normal social life. Her comments just a pathetic attempt to get attention she should have received earlier in life. Sad!
I’m with Leon–Pray–on my knees–prayers of repentance–prayers for wisdom–prayers for strength to discipline where it is still possible–prayers for protection for my child–prayers for creativity–prayers that the fear of the Lord will be understood and realized and prayers for the Lord’s discipline.