I didn’t know this even existed. Tim Tebow, former star quarterback of the University of Florida Gators and now rookie quarterback of the Denver Broncos, has been voted “Single Christian of the Year” by Christian Partner for Life, an online guide to Christian dating websites. In a press release, they said, “Tim Tebow is our most eligible Christian of the year—he represents a model for the type of person of faith that we think is perfect for single, committed Christians.” How weird is that? I guess I didn’t know these types of awards existed. It made me think, though. What Christian awards might I be eligible for? Here’s what I came up with:
Redheaded Christian of the Year
I’ve been plagued by comments like “carrot top” all of my life, but what if I could be awarded the best Christian redhead? My years of persecution and suffering would be redeemed by the honor. I could walk away from therapy with my redhead held high.
The Most Abraham-like Christian of the Year
Michelle and I have moved 11 times in 17 years of marriage. Surely there must be an award for this. Abraham was told by God to move, and he did – 1200 miles away from his home. Michelle and I were told by God to move, and we did – 1400 miles away from our home. Looks like we beat him by 200 miles.
Animal Caretaker Christian of the Year
There has to be an award for what I have to put up with. Max, our 2 year-old boxer is both deaf and dumb. He really is hapless and seems to have no clue what he’s doing on this earth. Although he is extremely loving, the frustration of trying to get him to understand the most basic of human-to-dog commands just about does me in.
Smartest Christian Dad of the Year
With three teenage girls in the house, I once was considered the dumbest Christian dad in the whole world. But to the two daughters who have moved out and are now living independent lives, miraculously, I have changed from the dumbest to the smartest. Although one of the three (the one still at home) still considers me pretty dumb, I am reveling in the sudden change of heart of the other two.
Most Random Varsity Letter Carrying Christian of the Year
I am a high school varsity letter winner. I worked hard for it, sweat a lot, and was often mentally and physically drained in my quest to secure it. I ran cross country in high school, but it was not in cross country that I earned my letter. It was not until the spring of my senior year that I was offered the hallowed high school award. Earlier that fall, I was selected – among a field of highly talented and qualified dancers and gymnasts – to represent my school as the school mascot, Clawd the Cougar. I put a ton of effort into this and made every game an event: halftime dance shows, taking on the other mascots in a game of one-on-one (which I always won), bribing the refs with large bills. My efforts did not go unnoticed as I was unexpectedly awarded a varsity letter at the end-of-the-year basketball banquet! How nerdy is that?!